Uncle knows best (Disney songs retold)
by aliena wyvern
Summary: A parody of Disney's songs in Middle Earth, starring our beloved characters.
1. Uncle knows best (Tangled)

**My first attempt to write in English so forgive me if there are some mistakes. It's basically a parody of the song "Mother knows best" from Tangled, starring Thorin and Kili.  
I own nothing.**

**Thorin:**  
You want to go outside? Why, Kili...!  
Look at you, as fragile as a toddler  
Still a little dwarfling, just a sprout  
You know why we stay up in this mountain...

**Kili:**  
I know but...

**Thorin:**  
That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear  
Guess I always knew this day was coming  
Knew that soon you'd want to leave the nest  
Soon, but not yet.

**Kili:**  
But...

**Thorin:**  
Shh!  
Trust me, pet  
Uncle knows best  
Uncle knows best  
Listen to your Uncle  
It's a scary world out there  
Uncle knows best  
One way or another  
Something will go wrong, I swear  
Spiders, orcs  
Poison arrows, trolls and goblins  
Elves and Wargs  
Tauriel!

**Kili:**  
No!

**Thorin:**  
Yes!

**Kili:**  
But...

**Thorin:**  
Also large bugs  
Men with pointy teeth, and  
Stop, no more, you'll just upset me  
Uncle's right here  
Uncle will protect you  
Darling, here's what I suggest  
Skip the drama  
Stay with your uncle  
Uncle knows best  
Uncle knows best  
Take it from your brother  
On your own, you won't survive  
Sloppy, underdressed  
Immature, beardless  
Please, they'll eat you up alive  
Gullible, naïve  
Positively grubby  
Ditzy and a bit, well, hmm vague  
Plus, I believe  
Gettin' kinda chubby  
I'm just saying 'cause I wuv you  
Uncle understands  
Uncle's here to help you  
All I have is one request  
Kili?

**Kili:**  
Yes?

**Thorin:**  
Don't ever ask to leave the Lonely Mountain again.

**Kili:**  
Yes, Uncle.

**Thorin:**  
I love you very much, dear.

**Kili:**  
I love you more.

**Thorin:**  
I love you most.  
Don't forget it  
You'll regret it  
Uncle knows best

**How was it?**


	2. I've got a dream (Tangled)

**Hello everyone! OFBLOODANDROSES and Nuka (thank you for your review) asked for "I've got a dream", so there it is. There were not so many changes to do because it fits the characters so well...**

**Azog:**  
I'm malicious, mean and scary  
My sneer could curdle dairy  
And violence-wise, my hands are not the cleanest  
But despite my evil look  
And my temper, and my spindle  
I've always yearned to be a concert pianist  
Can'tcha see me on the stage performin' Mozart?  
Tickling the ivories 'til they gleam?  
Yep, I'd rather be called deadly  
For my killer show-tune medley  
Thank you!  
'Cause way down deep inside  
I've got a dream

**All:**  
He's got a dream!  
He's got a dream!

**Azog:**  
See, I ain't as cruel and vicious as I seem!  
Though I do like breaking femurs  
You can count me with the dreamers  
Like everybody else  
I've got a dream!

**The Goblin King:**  
I've got scars and lumps and bruises  
Plus something here that oozes  
And let's not even mention my complexion  
But despite my extra toes  
And my goiter, and my nose  
I really want to make a love connection  
Can't you see me with a special little lady  
Rowin' in a rowboat down the stream?  
Though I'm one disgusting blighter  
I'm a lover, not a fighter -  
'Cause way down deep inside  
I've got a dream  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
He's got a dream!

**The Goblin King:**  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
He's got a dream!

**The Goblin King:**  
And I know one day romance will reign supreme!  
Though my face leaves people screaming  
There's a child behind it, dreaming -  
Like everybody else  
I've got a dream

**All:**  
Gandalf would like to quit and be a florist  
Dori does interior design  
Bifur is into mime  
Bombur's cupcakes are sublime  
Ori knits  
Bofur sews  
Gloin does little puppet shows

**Azog:**  
And Dwalin collects ceramic unicorns!

**Thorin:**  
I have dreams, like you - no, really!  
Just much less touchy-feely  
They mainly happen somewhere  
warm and sunny  
Under a Mountain that I own  
majestic, rested and alone  
Surrounded by enormous piles of money

**Bilbo:**  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
He's got a dream!

**Bilbo:**  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
She's got a dream!

**Bilbo:**  
I just want to see the Lonely Mountain gleam!

**All:**  
Yeahh!

**Bilbo:**  
And with every passing hour  
I'm so glad I left my Shire-  
Like all you lovely folks  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
He's got a dream!  
He's got a dream!  
They've got a dream!  
We've got a dream!  
So our diff 'rences ain't  
really that extreme!  
We're one big team...!  
Call us brutal -  
Sick -

**Azog:**  
Sadistic -

**The Goblin King:**  
And grotesquely optimistic

**All:**  
'Cause way down deep inside  
We've got a dream!

**Azog:**  
I've got a dream!

**The Goblin King:**  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
I've got a dream!  
I've got a dream!  
I've got a dream!

**Bilbo**  
I've got a dream!

**All:**  
Yes way down deep  
inside, I've got a dream!  
Yeahh!

**what song next?**


	3. Where will my life begin? (Tangled)

**The Bugslayer asked for "When will my life begin?" so there it is.  
Also, Guest asked if I can novelize Tangled with Middle Earth characters, and in fact that's already done...in french.  
The fic is "Once upon a time in Middle Earth" (second chapter) and you can find it on my profile.  
If someone wants to translate it, he's welcome^^**

**Bilbo:  
**7 AM, the usual morning lineup:  
Start on the chores and sweep 'til the floor's all clean,  
Polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up  
Eat first breakfeast,  
And by then It's like 7:15.

And so I'll read a book or maybe two or three  
I'll eat second breakfeast  
I'll play conkers and knit, and cook and basically  
Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then after elevenses it's market place, and baking  
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess  
Pottery and ventriloquy, luncheon  
Then I'll stretch,  
Maybe sketch,  
Take a climb, sew a handkerchief!

And I'll reread the books if I have time to spare  
I'll have afternoon tea,  
Then dinner and supper.  
And then I'll brush and brush, and brush and brush my feet  
Stuck in the same place I've always been.  
And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin', and wonderin', and wonderin'  
When will my life begin?

Tomorrow night the fireworks will appear  
Just like they do on Old Took's Feast each year.  
What is it like out there where they glow?  
Now that I'm older, Gandalf might just let me go.


	4. I just can't wait to be king (Lion King)

****I just can't wait to be king". Not from Tangled but I had to do this.****

******Fili:  
******I'm gonna be a mighty king,  
So enemies beware! ******  
**  
**Balin:  
******I've never seen a king of dwarves  
With quite so little beard

**Fili**:  
I'm gonna be the beard event  
Like no king was before  
I'm brushing up on looking down  
I'm working on my roar

**Balin:**  
Thus far a rather uninspiring thing******  
**  
**Fili:  
******Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

****Fili:  
****No one saying do this****  
**  
**Balin:  
****Now when I said that****  
**  
**Kili:  
****No one saying be there****  
**  
**Balin:  
****What I meant was

**Fili and Kili**:  
No one saying stop that

**Balin**:  
What you don't realize

**Fili and Kili**:  
No one saying see here

**Balin**:  
Now see here!

**Fili**:  
Free to run around all day

**Balin**:  
That's definitely out

**Fili**:  
Free to do it all my way!

**Balin**:  
I think it's time that you and I  
Arranged a heart-to-heart

**Fili**:  
Kings don't need advice  
From Santa Klaus for a start

**Balin  
**If this is where the monarchy is headed  
Count me out  
Out of service, out of Erebor  
I wouldn't hang about  
This child is getting wildly out of wing**  
**

**Fili:  
**Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

**Fili**:  
Everybody look left  
Everybody look right  
Everywhere you look I'm...  
Standing in the starlight

**Thorin**:  
Not yet

**All Company (except Thorin and Balin who are NOT amused)**:  
Let every dwarf go for broke and sing  
Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing  
It's gonna be King Fili's finest fling

**Fili**:  
Oh, I just can't wait to be king!  
Oh, he just can't wait to be king!  
Oh, I just can't wait...  
Just can't wait  
To be king!

**suggestions?**


	5. Let it go (Frozen)

**Not sure about this one. It's "Let it go" from Frozen by our favourite schizophreniac fish eater. I'm french so this may not be a masterpiece of English grammar.  
Next one will be "Hellfire" from the Hunchback of Notre Dame and "I'll make a man "of you from Mulan as requested. Maybe the "Bare necessity" from Jungle Book too.**

**Gollum:**  
The Ring glows bright in the cavern tonight  
Not a hobbit to be seen.  
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like we're the kings.  
Goblins are howling like this awful thing inside  
Couldn't keep it in;  
Heaven knows we've tried  
Don't let them in, don't let them see  
Be the good boys you always have to be  
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know  
Well now they know!

Let it go, let it go  
Can't hold it back anymore  
Let it go, let it go  
Turn away and slam the door  
We don't care what they're going to say  
Let the storm rage on.  
Precious never bothered us anyway.

It's funny how some distance  
Makes everything seem small  
And the fears that once controlled us  
Can't get to us at all  
It's time to see what we can do  
To test the limits and break through  
No right, no wrong, no rules for us, we're free!

Let it go, let it go  
We're two in the same person  
Let it go, let it go  
You'll never see us cry  
Here we stand  
And here we'll stay  
Let the storm rage on!

We knocked a Goblin's head with a sharp stone from the ground  
Its flesh is spiralling in bloody fractals all around  
We'll skin him and eat him with some tasty fish  
We're never going back, the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go  
And we'll rise like the break of dawn  
Let it go, let it go  
These perfect boys are gone  
Here we stand  
In the depths of night  
Let the Ring rage on  
Precious never bothered us anyway!


	6. Hellfire (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

**Hello everybody^^  
Thanks for your reviews (Nuka, as I can't PM you...)!  
Guest asked for "Hellfire" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Smaug, but I think the song fits Thorin better. Seeing him alone in the trailer, surrounded by all that gold...it broke my heart.  
In the movie, I find the pervy guy who sings "Hellfire" disgusting, and he's even worse in the original novel (not for kids, this one^^). Also, I hate this f****** Arkenstone.**

**Thorin:**  
Great Mahal  
You know I am a simple Dwarf  
Of my kin I am justly proud

Great Mahal  
You know I'm so much stronger than  
The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd

Then tell me, Mahal  
Why I see her glowing there  
Why her smold'ring shine still scorch my soul

I feel her, I see her  
The sun caught in the Mountain's Heart  
Is blazing in me out of all control

Like fire  
Hellfire  
This fire in my skin  
This burning  
Desire  
Is turning me to sin  
It's not my fault

I'm not to blame

It is the Arkenstone  
The witch who sent this flame

It's not my fault

If in Eru's plan  
He made the gold so much  
Stronger than a Dwarf

Protect me, Mahal  
Don't let this stone cast her spell  
Don't let her fire sear my flesh and bone  
Destroy the Arkenstone  
And let her taste the fires of hell  
Or else let her be mine and mine alone

Hellfire  
Dark fire  
Now stone, it's your turn  
Choose me or  
Your pyre  
Be mine or you will burn

Valar have mercy on her  
Valar have mercy on me

But she will be mine  
Or she will burn!

**I haven't put the parts in Latin because I study it in High School and I suck at it. Really.  
Also...Botfa day -6! I can't wait anymore!  
**


	7. I'll make a man out of you (Mulan)

**Hello everybody! Here is "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan.  
Hope you'll enjoy!**

**Dwalin:**  
Let's get down to business  
To defeat the Orcs.  
Did they send me daughters  
When I asked for sons?  
You're the saddest bunch I ever met  
But you can bet before we're through  
Laddies, I'll make a dwarf  
Out of you.  
Tranquil as a forest  
But on fire within.  
Once you find your center  
You are sure to win.  
You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot  
And you haven't got a clue.  
Somehow I'll make a dwarf  
Out of you.

**Kili:**  
I'm never gonna catch my breath

**Fili:**  
Say goodbye to those who knew me

**Ori:**  
Boys, was I a fool in school for playing scribe

**Balin: **  
My brother's got them scared to death

**Ori:**  
Hope he'll see Bilbo's a Hobbit

**Bilbo:**  
Now I really wish that I knew how to swim

**All:**  
BE A DWARF  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
BE A DWARF  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
BE A DWARF  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

**Dwalin:**  
Time is racing toward us  
'til the Orcs arrive.  
Heed my every order  
And you might survive.  
You're unsuited for the rage of war  
So pack up, go home you're through  
How could I make a dwarf  
Out of you?

**All:**  
BE A DWARF  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
BE A DWARF  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
BE A DWARF  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon


	8. Do you wanna build a snowman? (Frozen)

**This one is sad. It's "Do you wanna build a snowman?" from Frozen with Thorin and Dis after the Battle of Azanubizar, as requested by Lady Liberty-The first.  
Thanks to all for your reviews!  
Emily: Thanks! You're right, it's not easy, because I'm french, and I can't do it in my native language because the lyrics in french suck, really. The originl versions are so much better^^  
Nuka: Thanks! I'll think of it.**

**Dis:**  
Thorin?  
Do you wanna have a swordfight?  
Come on lets go and play  
I never see you anymore  
Come out the door  
It's like you've gone away  
We used to be best buddies  
And now we're not  
I wish you would tell me why!  
Do you wanna have a swordfight?  
It doesn't have to be a swordfight.

**Thorin: **  
Go away, Dis

**Dis:**  
Okay, bye...

**Dis:**  
Do you wanna have a swordfight?  
Or ride our ponies around the halls  
I think some company is overdue  
I've started talking to the sculptures on the walls  
(Hang in there, Durin!)  
It gets a little lonely  
All these empty caves,  
Just watching the hours tick by  
Tick tock tick tock tick tock

**Dis:**  
Thorin?  
Please, I know you're in there,  
Dwarrows are asking where you've been  
They say "have courage", and I'm trying to  
I'm right out here for you, just let me in  
We only have each other  
It's just you and me  
What are we gonna do?  
Do you wanna have a sworfight?


	9. Something there (Beauty and the Beast)

**I had fun with this one^^**  
**It's "Something there" from the Beauty and the Beast" with Bilbo and Thorin. No Comment because I know it's weird.**  
**Warning: Bagginshield. I could have used Kili and Tauriel but it's funnier like that.  
Dori is basically the tea pot.**

**Bilbo:**  
There's something sweet  
And almost kind  
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined  
But now he's dear, and so unsure  
I wonder why I didn't see it there before

** Dis:**  
Come along dearie.  
Let's get you off those wet things.

**Thorin:**  
He glanced this way  
I thought I saw  
And when we touched he didn't shudder at my paw  
No it can't be, I'll just ignore  
But then he's never looked at me that way before

**Thorin:**  
Bilbo, I have something to show you.  
But first, you have to close your eyes. It's a surprise!

**Bilbo:**  
May I open them?

**Thorin:**  
Alright, alright. Now!

**Bilbo:**  
I can't believe it!  
I've never seen so many books in my whole life!

**Thorin:**  
You like it?

**Bilbo:**  
It's wonderful!

**Thorin:**  
It's yours!

**Bilbo:**  
New and a bit alarming  
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?  
True that he's no Prince Charming  
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see

**Bilbo:**  
Oh, this is one of my favorites!  
It's "King Durin."  
Have you ever read it?

**Thorin:**  
No.

**Bilbo:**  
You don't know what you're missing.  
I'd love to read this again.  
Wait...you can read this first.

**Thorin:**  
No, that's alright

**Bilbo:**  
No, really, you read it

**Thorin:**  
Oh, No, you...

**Bilbo:**  
No, you

**Thorin:**  
No! I can't...

**Bilbo:**  
You never learn to read?

**Thorin:**  
Only a little, and long ago

**Bilbo:**  
Well, it just so happens that this is the perfect book to read aloud.  
Come here, sit by me

**Balin:**  
Well, who'd have thought?

**Dori:**  
Well, bless my soul

**Dwalin:**  
Well, who'd have known?

**Dori:**  
Well, who indeed?

**Balin:**  
And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own?

**Dori:**  
It's so peculiar. Wait and see

**Balin and Dwalin:**  
We'll wait and see

**All three:**  
A few days more  
There may be something there that wasn't there before

**Dwalin:**  
Perhaps there's something there  
That wasn't there before

**Ori:**  
What?

**Dori:**  
There may be something there that wasn't there before

**Ori:**  
What's there, brother?

**Dori:**  
Ssh. I'll tell you when you're older.  
Come along now.  
Let's give them some privacy...

**Ori:**  
Brother?

**Dori:**  
Yes, Ori?

**Ori:**  
Will you ever realize I am a fully grown Dwarf?

**Dori:**  
No you're not

**Ori:**  
When will I know?

**Dori:**  
Soon.  
If it's to be.  
It will be very soon now.  
Come along, brother.

**Bilbo:**  
Knowing now, that this was indeed the legendary sword called "Orcrist," Durin tried to cut the Goblin's head.  
He tried once to no avail.  
He tried a second time, but still, he could not cut it out.  
Then, for the third time, Durin  
slammed the sword...

**Thorin:**  
So that must mean he's the king!

**Bilbo:**  
Wait and see

**Thorin:**  
I never knew books could do that

**Bilbo:**  
Do what?

**Thorin:**  
Take me away from this place, make  
me forget for a little while

**Bilbo:**  
Forget?

**Thorin:**  
Who I...What I am...

**Bilbo:**  
We have something in common, you know

**Thorin:**  
What is that?

**Bilbo:**  
In Hobbiton where I come from, the people think I'm odd

**Thorin:**  
You?

**Bilbo:**  
So, I know how it feels to be...different.  
And I know how lonely that can be

**Bilbo:**  
For the third time, Durin slammed the sword, and there  
arose from the people a great shout.  
Durin was king.

**Thorin:**  
I told you so...


	10. Prince Ali (Aladdin)

**You will agree with me on the fact that "Prince Ali" from Aladdin suits Thranduil perfectly^^**

**Tauriel:**  
Make way for King Thranduil  
Say hey! It's King Thranduil

Hey! Clear the way in the old Forest  
Hey you!  
Let us through!  
It's a bright new star!  
Oh Come!  
Be the first on your block to meet his eye!

Make way!  
Here he comes!  
Ring bells! Bang the drums!  
Are you gonna love this guy!

King Thranduil! Fabulous he!  
Thranduil Oropherion  
Genuflect, show some respect  
Down on one knee!  
Now, try your best to stay calm  
Brush up your sunday namarië  
The come and meet his spectacular coterie

King Thranduil!  
Mighty is he!  
Thranduil Oropherion  
Strong as ten regular elves, definitely!  
He faced the galloping hordes  
A hundred bad orcs with swords  
Who sent those goons to the Dark Lord?  
Why, King Thranduil

He's got seventy-five golden mooses  
Purple eagles  
He's got fifty-three  
When it comes to exotic-type mammals  
Has he got a zoo?  
I'm telling you, it's a world-class menagerie

King Thranduil!  
Handsome is he, Thranduil Oropherion  
That physique! How can I speak  
Weak at the knee  
Well, get on out in that square  
Adjust your veil and prepare  
To gawk and grovel and stare at King Thranduil!

There's no question this Thranduil's alluring  
Never ordinary, never boring  
Everything about the elf just plain impresses  
He's a winner, he's a whiz, a wonder!  
He's about to pull my heart asunder!  
And I absolutely love the way he dresses!

He's got ninety-five white Gundabad wargs  
(He's got the wargs, let's see the wargs)  
And to view them he charges no fee  
(He's generous, so generous)  
He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies  
(Proud to work for him)  
They bow to his whim love serving him  
They're just lousy with loyalty to Thranduil! King Thranduil!

King Thranduil!  
Amorous he!  
Thranduil Oropherion  
Heard your jewels were a sight lovely to see  
And that, good people, is why he got dolled up and dropped by  
With sixty elks, sixty deers  
With his mooses and wargs  
A brass band and more  
With his forty archers, his cooks, his bakers  
His birds that warble on key  
Make way for King Thranduil!


	11. The bare necessities (Jungle Book)

**This one was obvious^^  
Thanks to all those who added my fic to their favorites and follows, and to Nuka for your review!**

**Beorn:**  
Look for the bare necessities  
The simple bare necessities  
Forget about your worries and your strife  
I mean the bare necessities  
Mother Yavanna's recipes  
That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam  
I couldn't be fonder of my big home  
The bees are buzzin' in the tree  
To make some honey just for me  
When you look under the rocks and plants  
And take a glance at the fancy ants  
Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you  
They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities  
The simple bare necessities  
Forget about your worries and your strife  
I mean the bare necessities  
That's why a bear can rest at ease  
With just the bare necessities of life

Now when you kill a Goblin  
Or a filthy Orc  
And you get hurt  
Next time beware  
Don't kill the Orc with your bare hands  
When you kill an Orc  
Try to use the sword  
But you don't need to use the sword  
When you kill a Goblin half your height  
Have I given you a clue?

The bare necessities of life will come to you  
They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it  
Fall apart in my backyard  
'Cause let me tell you something little dwarflings  
If you act like that bee acts, uh uh  
You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around  
For something you want that can't be found  
When you find out you can live without it  
And go along not thinkin' about it  
I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you


	12. Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

**This one is "Belle" from Beauty and The Beast. Never wondered why Lobelia married Otho?  
BotfA has been released yesterday in France and I'll go and see it on Sunday. I'm so excited^^**

**Bilbo:**  
Hobbiton, it's a quiet village  
Every day like the one before  
Hobbiton full of little people  
Waking up to say...

**Hobbits:**  
Bonjour  
Bonjour  
Bonjour  
Bonjour  
Bonjour

**Bilbo:**  
There goes Maggott with his wheelbarrow, like always  
The same vegetables and fruits to sell  
Every morning just the same  
Since the morning that he came  
To this poor Shire town

**Farmer Maggott:**  
Good morning, Bilbo

**Bilbo:**  
Good morning Sir

**Farmer Maggott:**  
Where are you off to?

**Bilbo:**  
The bookshop, I just finished the most wonderful story about a mountain, and a dragon, and a-

**Farmer Maggott:**  
That's nice.  
ROSIE!  
The potatoes, hurry up!

**Hobbitesses:**  
Look, there he goes  
The boy is strange, no question dazed and distracted, can't you tell?

** Hobbitess:**  
Never part of any crowd

**Saradoc Brandybuck:**  
Cause his head's up in a cloud

**Hobbits:**  
No denying he's a funny boy, that Bilbo

**Hobbit 1:**  
Bonjour

**Hobbitess 1:**  
Good day

**Hobbit 1:**  
How is your family?

**Hobbitess 2:**  
Bonjour

**Hobbit 2:**  
Good day

**Hobbitess 2:**  
How is your wife?

**Hobbitess 3:**  
I need...six eggs

**Hobbit 3:**  
That's too expensive!

**Bilbo:**  
There must be more than this provincial life!

**Hobbit Librarian:**  
Ah, Bilbo

**Bilbo:**  
Good morning.  
I've come to return the book I borrowed

**Hobbit Librarian:**  
Finished already?

**Bilbo:**  
Oh I couldn't put it down.  
Have ya got anythin' new?

**Hobbit Librarian:**  
Not since yesterday

**Bilbo:**  
That's alright.  
I'll borrowww, this one

**Hobbit Librarian:**  
That one? but you've read it twice!

**Bilbo:**  
Well it's my favorite: far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!

**Hobbit Librarian:**  
If you like it all that much it's yours!

**Bilbo:**  
But sir?!

**Hobbit Librarian:**  
I insist!

**Bilbo:**  
Well thank you, thank you very much!

**Hobbit:**  
Look, there he goes, that boy is so peculiar  
I wonder if he's feeling well

**Hobbits:**  
With a dreamy, far-off look and his nose stuck in a book  
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Bilbo

**Bilbo:**  
Ohhhhhh...isn't this amazing?  
It's my favorite part because...you'll see  
Here's where she meets Prince Charming but she won't discover that it's him till chapter three

**Hobbitess:**  
Now it's no wonder that his mother is Belladona Took, he's as odd as her

**Hobbit:**  
Right behind that nice facade I'm afraid he's rather odd very different from the rest of us

**Hobbits:**  
He's nothing like the rest of us  
Yes, different from the rest of us is Bilbo

**Otho Sackville Baggins:**  
Wow you look well in that dress, Lobelia!  
You're the most beautiful Hobbitess in the whole world!

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
I know

**Otho Sackville Baggins:**  
No girl alive has a chance against you, haha...  
And no man for that matter

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
It's true Otho, and I've got my sight set on that one

**Otho Sackville Baggins:**  
Belladona Took's boy!?

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
He's the one, the lucky boy I'm going to marry

**Otho Sackville Baggins:**  
But he's-

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
The most handsome hobbit in town

**Otho Sackville Baggins:**  
But-

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
That makes him the best!  
And don't I deserve the best?

**Otho Sackville Baggins:**  
Well of course,  
I mean ya do, but I-

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
Right from the moment when I met him, saw him  
I said he's gorgeous and I fell here in Hobbiton  
It's only he who's as beautiful as me  
So I'm making plans to woo and marry Bilbo

**Hobbits bachelors:**  
Look there she goes!  
Isn't she dreamy?  
Miss Lobelia!  
Oh, she's so cute!  
Be still my heart!  
I'm hardly breathing!  
She's such a tiny, curvy, nice and delicate girl!

**Hobbit 1:**  
Bonjour

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
Pardon!

**Hobbit 2:**  
Good day

**Hobbit 3:**  
Mais oui!

**Hobbitess:**  
You call this bacon?

**Hobbitess 2:**  
What lovley grapes!

**Hobbit 4:**  
Some cheese...

**Hobbitess 3:**  
...ten yards!

**Hobbit 4:**  
...one pound..

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
'scuse me!

**Hobbit cheese merchant:**  
I'll get the knife

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
Please let me through!

**Hobbitess 1:**  
This bread...

**Hobbit 1:**  
Those fish...

**Hobbitess 1:**  
...it's stale

**Hobbit 5:**  
...they smell!

**Farmer Maggott:**  
Madame's mistaken!

**Bilbo:**  
There must be more than this provincial life!

**Lobelia Bracegirdle:**  
Just watch...I'm going to make Bilbo my husband!

**Hobbits:**  
Look there he goes...a boy who's strange but special  
A most peculiar little man  
It's a pity and a sin he doesn't quite fit in  
'cause he really is a funny boy  
An odd one but a funny boy  
He really is a funny boy...that Bilbo!


	13. Part of your world (The little Mermaid)

**On an idea from gingerrogers12345, Smaug singing "Part of your world"! Or, the reason why he came to the Lonely Mountain...**  
**BotfA tomorrow...I'm dying.**  
**Nuka: I won't spoil you...but I thinks it ends like in the book :'(  
But I understand you for the birthday, even if I had the opposite reaction. Neal from Once Upon A Time, a character I used to hate, died on my birthday...**

**Smaug:**  
Look at this gold, isn't it neat?  
Wouldn't you think my treasure's complete?  
Wouldn't you think I'm the drake  
The drake who has everything?

Look at this trove, treasures untold  
How many wonders can one cavern hold?  
Looking around here you'd think  
Sure, he's got everything

I've got gold and rubies a plenty  
I've got emeralds and sapphires galore  
You want amethysts?  
I've got thousands!  
But who cares?  
No big deal, I want more

I wanna be where dwarves are  
I wanna see, wanna see them dancing

Walking around on those  
What do you call 'em?  
Oh, feet

Flipping your wings you don't get too far  
Legs are required for jumping, dancing  
Strolling along down a...  
What's that word again?  
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run  
Up where they stay all day in the sun  
Wandering free  
Wish I could be, part of that world

What would I give if I could live  
Out of these caverns?  
What would I pay to spend a day  
Warm on the top of the Mountain?

Betcha' on land, they have treasures  
Bet they don't mind if I take them  
Bright young dragon, sick of flying,  
Ready to rise

And ready to know what the people know  
Ask 'em my questions  
And get some answers  
What's a city and what can I do with it - what's the word?  
Burn it?

When's it my turn?  
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world down?  
Out of the cave  
Wish I could be  
Part of that world

**what do you think?**


	14. If I didn't have you (Quest for Camelot)

**I've seen it! OMG I've seen it! and I'm definitely heartbroken :'(  
This movie was awesome but I cried so much at the end... (no spoiler, sorry^^) and Richard Armitage was astounding...these eyes.  
Now I have a PTSD and a depression...you are warned.  
This one is "If I didn't have you" from Quest for Camelot, feat. Gollum and Smeagol.**

**Smeagol:**  
I'd be rockin' with the Goblins  
Swingin' with the Orcs  
I could astonish this cave in a minute!  
GOLLUM!  
They would sing cuz i would be the schizo king  
I would love this world without you in it!  
If i didn't have you!

**Gollum:**  
If you didn't have me?

**Smeagol:**  
If i didn't have you!

**Gollum:**  
Or how about if i didn't have you huh?

**Both:**  
O what i could be if there was only me  
O what i'd do if i didn't have you

**Bilbo:**  
STOP BICKERING AND GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!

**Smeagol**:  
ACT! DID SOMEONE SAY ACT!  
I CAN ACT!  
If only i had seperate parts  
my career would be the art  
I'd be the STAR of Middle Earth

**Gollum:**  
you'd be the half that the whole world forgot!

**Smeagol:**  
If i didn't have you

**Gollum:**  
I should be so lucky!

**Smeagol:**  
If i didn't have you!

**Gollum:**  
Oh wait you'd be dead!

**Both:**  
Oh what i could be if there was only me  
O what i'd do if i didn't have you!  
O what i'd do if i didn't have you!

**Smeagol:**  
TRAPPED! OH TRAPPED!

**Gollum:**  
Stuck here with you for 500 years

**Smeagol:**  
Oh dear it's left to count

**Gollum:**  
if you had gotten me a good laywer  
i would've split 400 years ago

**Smeagol:**  
Now listen here pal, i didn't come here to be insulted

**Gollum:**  
Oh? where do you usually go?

**Smeagol:**  
I'd be a fish eater Hobbit

**Gollum:**  
I'd be a Goblin eater Hobbit!

**Smeagol:**  
You'd be nothing without me  
You'd be extinct  
You'd feast to be

**Gollum:**  
I'm so tired of you nagging

**Smeagol:**  
I'm so tired of your bragging

**Gollum:**  
Haha without me you'd have no brain!

**Smeagol:**  
With which to think!

**Gollum:**  
I'd be rockin' with the Goblins  
Swingin' with the Orcs  
I could astonish this cave in a minute!  
SMEAGOL!  
They would sing cuz i would be the schizo king  
I would love this world without you in it!

**Smeagol:**  
If only i had seperate parts  
My career would be the art  
I'd be the STAR of Middle Earth  
I would love this world without you in it!

**Both:**  
if i didn't have you!  
(backgroud people)  
If i didn't have you!

**Both:**  
Iif i didn't have you!  
If i didn't have you!  
YEAH, YEAH YEAH

**Smeagol:**  
This way let me lead!  
YEAH YEAH YEAH

**Gollum:**  
No this way twinkle toes!

**Both:**  
Life could be so sweat, if these were both my feet!  
Oh what i'd do if i didn't have you!

**Gollum:**  
I got you babe!

**Both:**  
Oh what i'd do if i didn't have yooooou!  
Hey! Well if i didn't!  
Well if i didn't, have you!  
Thank you very much!  
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen!  
You've sang before have you?


	15. Following the leader (Peter Pan)

**Not so satisfied about this one but anyway. It's "Following the leader" from Peter Pan and I did it just because Thorin has absolutely no sense of orientation (lost in the Shire...), and it was funny.  
I'm still recovering from my broken heart due to BotfA.**  
**Everyone should watch Smaug's interview by Stephen Colbert, it's just awesome^^**

**The Company of Thorin Oakenshield:**  
Following the leader, the leader, the leader  
We're following the leader wherever he may go  
Tee dum, tee dee  
A teedle ee do tee day  
Tee dum, tee dee  
It's part of the quest we're on  
Tee dum, tee dee  
The words are easy to say  
Just a teedle ee dum a teedle ee do tee day

Tee dum, tee dee  
A teedle ee do tee dum  
We're one for all  
And all of us out for gold

We march in line  
And follow the other one  
With a teedle ee do a teedle ee di tee dum

Following the leader, the leader, the leader  
We're following the leader wherever he may go  
We're out to fight the Dragon, the Dragon, the Dragon  
We're out to fight the Dragon because he told us so

Tee dum, tee dee  
A teedle ee do tee day  
We march along  
And these are the words we say  
Tee dum, tee dee a teedle ee do tee day  
Oh, a teedle dee dum a teedle ee do tee day  
Oh, a teedle dee dum a teedle ee do tee day


	16. Someday my prince will come (Snow White)

**"Someday my prince will come", feat. Kili and his non-existent beard...**  
**That's weird, I know, but I am not ashamed^^  
Thorin will remain in History as "Thorin Oakenshield, majestic King Under the Mountain", and poor (cute) Kili will be known forever as "Kili the Beardless Archer and second in line of succession"...  
Thanks to all for your reviews and to those who put this fic in their favorites!**

**Kili:**  
Someday my beard will come  
Someday I'll be awesome  
And how thrilling that moment will be  
When the beard of my dreams come to me

Uncle will whisper, "I'm proud of you"  
And I'll buy a bead or two  
Though it's far away,  
I'll have my beard some day  
Someday when my dreams come true

Someday my beard will come  
Someday I'll be awesome  
And how thrilling that moment will be  
When the beard of my dreams come to me

Fili will whisper, "I'm proud of you"  
Then I'll make a braid or two  
Though it's far away,  
I'll have my beard some day  
Someday when my dreams come true

Someday, yes, my beard, it's gonna come  
Someday


	17. Be prepared (Lion King)

**Sorry, I'm late...but I've been a bit busy. Anyway, I'm back with "Be prepared" from Lion King, feat. Azog and Bolg.**  
**Merry Christmas to all of you^^  
In my mind, Bolg is particularly stupid. Mainly because he managed to be killed by Legolas...**

**Azog:**  
I never thought goblins essential  
They're crude and unspeakably plain  
But maybe they've a glimmer of potential  
If allied to my vision and brain

I know that your powers of retention  
Are as wet as a warg's backside  
But thick as you are, pay attention  
My words are a matter of pride

It's clear from your vacant expressions  
The lights are not all on upstairs  
But we're talking kings and successions  
Even you can't be caught unawares

So prepare for a chance of a lifetime  
Be prepared for sensational news  
A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer

**Bolg:**  
And where do we feature?

**Azog:**  
Just listen to teacher  
I know it sounds sordid but you'll be rewarded  
When at last I am given my dues!  
And in justice deliciously squared  
Be prepared!

**Bolg:**  
Yeah!  
Be prepared, we'll be prepared!  
For what?

**Azog:**  
For the death of the dwarf king

**Bolg:**  
Is he sick?

**Azog:**  
No, fool!  
We're going to kill him and his nephews, too

**Bolg:**  
Great idea!  
Who needs a king?  
la la la la  
No king, no king!

**Azog:**  
Idiot!  
There will be a king!

**Bolg:**  
But you said-

**Azog:**  
I will be king!  
Stick with me and you'll never go hungry again!

**Bolg:**  
Yay, all right!  
Long live the king!  
Long live the king!  
It's great that we'll soon be connected  
With a king who'll be all-time adored

**Azog:**  
Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected  
To take certain duties on board  
The future is littered with prizes  
And though I'm the main addressee  
The point that I must emphasize is  
You won't get a sniff without me!

So prepare for the coup of the century  
Be prepared for the murkiest scam  
Meticulous planning tenacity spanning  
Decades of denial is simply why I'll  
Be king undisputed respected, saluted  
And seen for the wonder I am

Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared-  
Be prepared!

**Bolg:**  
Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared-  
Be prepared!


	18. Hakuna Matata (Lion King)

**Hello everyone!**  
**Thanks to you all for your reviews^^  
Nuka: I agree. An idiot and an asshole. Poor Kili. **  
**Today, "Hakuna Matata" from Lion King, the dwarvish version, feat. Plague, Cholera, and the Little Bunny.**  
**  
"Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg" means litterally "All is fine with axe and beard" in Khuzdul, which means "No problem", just like "Hakuna Matata".**

**Fili:**  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg,  
What a wonderful phrase

**Kili:**  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg,  
Ain't no passing craze

**Fili:**  
It means no worries for the rest of your days

**Kili:**  
It's our problem free philosophy,  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg.

**Bilbo:**  
Why?

**Fili:**  
When he was a young dwarfling

**Kili:**  
When I was a young dwarfling

**Fili:**  
Very nice, thanks

**Fili:**  
He found his beard lacked a certain appeal  
He could easily scare all the ladies

**Kili:**  
I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem hairless-skinned  
And it hurt that my friends never stood with me

**Fili:**  
And oh, the shame, he was ashamed

**Kili:**  
Thoughta changin' my name

**Fili:**  
Oh, what's in a name?

**Kili:**  
And I got downhearted

**Fili:**  
How did you feel?

**Kili:**  
Every time that I

**Fili:**  
Kili, not in front of the Halfling

**Kili:**  
Oh sorry

**Fili:**  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg,  
What a wonderful phrase

**Kili:**  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg,  
Ain't no passing craze

**Bilbo:**  
It means no worries for the rest of your days

**Fili:**  
yeah, sing it, Hobbit

**Fili, Kili and Bilbo:**  
It's our problem-free philosophy,  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
It means no worries for the rest of your days  
It's our problem free philosophy,  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg  
Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg.


	19. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

**Hello everyone^^  
Happy new year!  
I'm being mean today, but I'm a Kiliel shipper. So, Thranduil trying to comfort Leggy after Tauriel started dating Kili. The song is obviously "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast.**

**Legolas:**  
Who does she think she is?  
That girl has tangled with the wrong man!

**Thranduil:**  
Darn right.

**Legolas:**  
No one says "no" to Legolas!  
Dismissed!  
Rejected!  
Publicly humiliated!  
Why, it's more than I can bear.

**Thranduil:**  
More wine?

**Legolas:**  
What for?  
Nothing helps.  
I'm disgraced.

**Thranduil:**  
Who, you?  
Never!  
Legolas, you've got to pull yourself together.  
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Legolas  
Looking so down in the dumps  
Ev'ry fanboy here'd love to be you, Legolas  
Even when taking your lumps  
There's no man in town as admired as you  
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy  
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you  
And it's not very hard to see why  
No one's slick as Legolas  
No one's quick as Legolas  
No one's hair's as incredibly fair as Legolas's  
For there's no man in town half as manly  
Perfect, a pure paragon!  
You can ask any Elladan, Haldir or Elrohir  
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

**Thranduil and Elves**:  
No one's been like Legolas  
A king pin like Legolas

**Kiliel shippers:**  
No one says more obvious things than Legolas

**Legolas:**  
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

**Thranduil and Elves:**  
My what a guy, that Legolas!  
Give five "hurrahs!"  
Give twelve "hip-hips!"

**Thranduil:**  
Legolas is the best  
And the rest is all drips

**Elves:**  
No one fights like Legolas  
Douses lights like Legolas

**Legolas:**  
In a drinking match nobody drinks like Legolas!

**Kiliel shippers:**  
But Kili is more burly and brawny

**Legolas:**  
As you see I've got biceps to spare

**Kiliel shippers:**  
Every bit of Leggy's scraggly or scrawny

**Legolas:**  
That's right!  
And ev'ry last inch of me's is hairless

**Elves:**  
No one hits like Legolas  
Matches wits like Legolas

**Thranduil:**  
In a spitting match nobody spits like Legolas

**Legolas:**  
I'm especially good at expectorating!  
Ptoooie!

**Elves:**  
Ten points for Legolas!

**Legolas:**  
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs  
Ev'ry morning to help my hair glow  
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs  
So I've got nice hair because I worth it

**Elves:**  
Oh, ahhh, wow!  
My what a guy, that Legolas!  
No one shoots like Legolas  
Makes those beauts like Legolas

**Thranduil:**  
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Legolas

**Legolas:**  
I use antlers in all of my decorating!

**Elves:**  
My what a guy,  
Legolas!


	20. Love is an open door (Frozen)

**Hi everyone! Today, as requested by Nuka, "Love is an open door" from Frozen (Love this movie XD), starring Tauriel and Kili. Think of them discussing while Kili is in his cell in the Mirkwood Dungeons. There was not many things to change.  
The ending is inspired by "How it should have ended: The Desolation of Smaug".  
As usual, I own nothing.**

**Tauriel:**  
Okay, can I just, say something crazy?

**Kili:**  
I love crazy!

**Tauriel:**  
All my life has been a series of doors in my face  
And then suddenly I bumped into you

**Kili:**  
I was thinking the same thing!  
'Cause like  
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place  
And maybe it's the firemoon talking or the starlight fest

**Tauriel:**  
But with you

**Kili:**  
But with you

**Tauriel:**  
I found my place

**Kili:**  
I see your face

**Both:**  
And it's nothing like I've ever known before...  
Love is an open door  
Love is an open door  
Love is an open door.

**Tauriel:**  
With you

**Kili:**  
With you

**Tauriel:**  
With you

**Kili:**  
With you

**Both:**  
Love is an open door

**Kili:**  
I mean it's crazy

**Tauriel:**  
What?

**Kili:**  
We finish each other's

**Tauriel:**  
Sentences

**Kili:**  
That's what I was gonna say!

**Tauriel:**  
I've never met someone

**Both:**  
Who thinks so much like me  
Jinx! Jinx again!  
Our mental synchronization  
Can have but one explanation

**Kili:**  
You

**Tauriel:**  
And I

**Kili:**  
Were

**Tauriel:**  
Just

**Both:**  
Meant to be

**Tauriel:**  
Say goodbye

**Kili:**  
Say goodbye

**Both:**  
To the pain of the past  
We don't have to feel it any more  
Love is an open door  
Love is an open door  
Life can be so much more

**Tauriel:**  
With you

**Kili:**  
With you

**Tauriel:**  
With you

**Kili:**  
With you

**Both:**  
Love is an open door

**Kili:**  
Can I ask something crazy?  
Will you open my cell?

**Tauriel:**  
Uuuuh...No!  
You're a prisoner, you stay in there.


	21. Once Upon a Dream (Sleeping Beauty)

**That is the weirdest song I've ever arranged, even if I just changed a very few words. As requested by Nuka, "Once Upon a Dream" from sleeping Beauty with Thorïn and...the Arkenstone. I personally think that it's an evil thing like the One Ring who always whispers in his mind and in his dream until he goes mad.**

**The Arkenstone:**  
I know you  
I belonged with you once upon a dream  
I know you  
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar, a gleam  
Yet I know it's true  
That visions are seldom all they seem  
But if I know you, I know what you'll do  
You'll love me at once  
The way you did once upon a dream  
La, la, la  
But if I know you, I know what you'll do  
You'll love me at once

**Thorïn and the Arkenstone:**  
The way you

**Thorïn:**  
Did once upon a dream  
I know you  
I owned you once upon a dream  
I know you  
The gleam in your heart is so familiar, a gleam

**Thorïn and the Arkenstone:**  
And I know it's true  
That visions are seldom all they seem  
But if I know you, I know what you'll do  
You'll love me at once  
The way you did once upon a dream


End file.
